1. Donald Trump decides that all those vacuous and misbehaving beauties he's been parading before ogling audiences over the years aren't worth his time and money and decides to donate the cost of the beauty pageants to "Operation Smile," a charity that helps poor children get plastic surgery to correct facial deformities.

2. Kim Jong Il tours the North Korean countryside and discovers his people are starving and miserable. He orders his factories to stop building weapons and start turning out farm equipment and his scientists to abandon research on nuclear weapons and instead develop hardier strains of rice and wheat.

3. The Angel Gabriel appears to 1 million faithful Muslims during the Haj in Mecca, instructing them to renounce violence and instead devote themselves to jihad against their own sinfulness.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow flunks the test to become a British citizen and is dropped from the dinner party lists of those Londoners whose conversations she described in 2006 as far more "interesting" than those of plebeian Americans.

5. Michael Richards, Mel Gibson and Rosie O'Donnell enter anger management treatment. Richards announces he will star in a new version of "Black Like Me." Gibson donates his entire personal fortune to the Anti-Defamation League. And O'Donnell registers as a Republican.

6. New Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., pledge not to engage in class warfare or getting even with Republicans and instead focus on serious Social Security and Medicare reform.

7. President Bush spends a solid week reviewing tapes of his press conferences and impromptu speeches and decides he has to learn how to communicate better. He enlists the help of outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who help him become, if not Winston Churchill or Ronald Reagan, at least another Gerald Ford.

8. Twelve million illegal aliens in the country disappear overnight. While at first there is rejoicing in some circles, prices at the supermarket go up double digits — that is, when fresh fruits, vegetables, meat and poultry are available at all. Office buildings shut down when there is no one to clean them. Home construction grinds to a halt. And millions of women call in sick when there is no one to take care of their children.

9. In response, Congress goes into emergency session and passes comprehensive immigration reform, with Reps. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., and James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., leading the charge to match "willing workers" with "available jobs," after both admit that their constituents were unhappy with the "illegal alien-free zone" they helped create.

10. Presidential aspirants agree not to air ads attacking each other but instead spend their time explaining their own positions on issues — and they promise to limit their ads to a period not to exceed six weeks before each primary or caucus.

11. Americans are so encouraged by the change in politics as usual that they start paying more attention to public affairs. More Americans register to vote than cast ballots for "American Idol."

12. Osama bin Laden's remains are discovered in a cave in Afghanistan. Ayman al Zawahiri is captured by Egyptian special forces and begs to be transferred to Guantanamo. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad becomes a Baha'i and Moqtada al Sadr converts to Buddhism. Al Qaeda and its offspring disband worldwide.